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Once Upon A Mixtape...




You know when you’re in that space when you meet someone and you’re trying to figure out if that person feels anything for you?  Then there is the rare occasion when you FEEL it before you actually KNOW.  I was standing in that very spot almost a decade ago...

“So Cateye, when a man says, ‘what do you think of me?’, does that mean what I think it means?!”  Cateye replied, “well, it means both; he really wants to know what you think because he cares, and he cares what you think because he care for YOU”.  “Damn!  You know, I was really enjoying having a straight up legit friendship with the opposite sex.  Whelp, so much for that!!”  “Well, before we dive headfirst into another friend zone tragedy, tell me what happened!”  I said, “well OK, but I hope you speak music, because if not, this isn’t going to make any sense!”

It all started one day on our way to work.  At the time, we were super tight, spending as much time as two unattached people in two different stages of development within relationships outside of one another could be.  I was dating someone new, but could smell bullshit, so I treaded lightly.  He dating a slightly older lady with some questionable behavior and mental capacity for a woman her age.  I got into the car, as usual, a soundtrack for the day was already in rotation.  As I got comfortable, I noticed what was playing.  It was like my absolute favorite Jay-Z freestyle, “44 4s”.  As the freestyle ended, I stated my favorite line, the last one, “44 4s Motherfucka, IM NICE!”  A look of pure shock and joy was on his face.  “What?!”  I asked because at this point, I was feeling a lil uncomfortable.  He was like, “I can’t believe you know that!” “What did my favorite rapper just tell you, ‘I’m NICE!’  “You’re right, that he did, homie, that he did!”

The next thing I know, it’s New Year’s Eve and we are coming from watch night services.  I had my hair pinned up, and the clip had dug a groove in my scalp by this point and I couldn’t wait till I got home to take it out.  I looked over at him and let him know just how close we were because I don’t allow people to see me out of my element.  We walked into my house, and he told me he had burned something for me.  While I took my shoes off and finished my drink, he put the cd on.  All at once I heard, “If I could, mail my heart right to you I would.”  Zhane.  I began to smile from the inside out.  It had been so long since I heard it, certainly not since the words would have actually meant something to me.  While I was still soaking Zhane in, the next song began to play, and I heard Diddy, then Missy talking about sticking closer to my side then a beeper.  Once I heard this, I could no longer contain myself.  This man needs to be a music therapist!!

The air between us was a little thick because we still hadn't addressed the question at hand.  So we sat, silently on separate couches listening to the rest of the mixtape.  There is soo much you can learn about another individual in the quiet.  As a matter of fact, you can receive soul confirmation.  If your mind allows you to relax into your place of peace and invite that person in, you are HOME.  As I sat there, I became immersed in a feeling.  It was familiar, but I knew it wasn't something I had experienced in any of my prior relationships.  I just couldn't put my finger on it that night...

A few weeks went by, and it was Dinner Club Saturday.  At this point, it was really only the original ride or die members showing up to the bi-weekly events.  So, since it was only going to be myself, a female friend of mine, and Brandon, we decided to go to one of the more upscale sports bars which turned into a nightclub after a certain time.  After several drinks and lots of impromptu karaoke, my friend and I parted ways, and Brandon and I decided to go home.  As was our normal post Dinner Club routine, we retired to my house for a nightcap and to watch Adult Swim.  I looked up and realized, probably for the first time in our entire relationship that we were sitting on the same couch.  At some point, my feet ended up in his lap.  Lets be clear, NO man outside the Asian persuasion was allowed to touch my feet. 

Yet I didn't flinch..That feeling from a few weeks prior started to resurface... 

As it did, that initial worry started to creep up; I CANNOT LOSE MY FRIEND!!! Then he kissed me.  I was out of time.  Just as quickly as the worry arose, it subsided.  That wonderful, familiar feeling filled every part of me, and I knew EXACTLY what it was:  SECURITY.  I was finally in a place with a person who made me feel completely safe, and that surrender to Love in every form of the word was absolutely inevitable.

The words have yet to be created to fully convey to another soul what he means to me.  Perhaps if you were able to live inside my heart for a lifetime, you would begin to understand what I feel for my Twin Soul, Mr. Brandon M. Cozart.  THIS lifetime was meant for US. 

Happy Birthday My Love

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